Category: Psychotherapy (Page 2 of 2)

Living Our Values

As we progress through life, we value different things at different times; ever evolving creatures. It is wise, from time to time, to reevaluate these values to ensure we are investing our time, energy, and finances into what we feel is most important at this time in our lives. This is a pretty important step in achieving a sense of fulfillment and overall contentment. When we are not consistently living in accordance with our identified values, we often experience a sense of distress or frustration.

So what’s the easiest way to go about reassessing your values so you can chiefly identify where you want your resources to go? Let’s take a look…

In a nutshell, there are 16 key values people generally say they want to experience at some point or another in their lives:

Achievement – accomplish something important in life; be involved in significant activities; succeed at what I’m doing.
Adventure – experience variety and excitement; respond to challenging opportunities.
Aesthetics – appreciate and enjoy beauty for beauty’s sake; be artistically creative.
Authority/ Power – be a key decision-maker, directing priorities, activities of others, and/or use of resources.
Autonomy – be independent, have freedom, live where I want to be and do what I want to do.
Generosity – give time and/or money to benefit others; express gratitude for blessings in life.
Health – be physically, mentally, and emotionally well; feel energetic and have a sense of well-being.
Integrity – be honest and straightforward, just and fair.
Intimacy/Friendship/Love – have close personal relationships, experience affection, share life with family and friends.
Pleasure – experience enjoyment and personal satisfaction from my activities.
Recognition – be seen as successful; receive acknowledgement for achievements.
Security – feel stable and comfortable with few changes or anxieties in my life.
Service – contribute to the quality of other people’s lives and help to improve society or the world.
Spiritual Growth – have communication or harmony with the infinite source of life.
Wealth – acquire an abundance of money or material possessions; be financially rich.
Wisdom – have insight, pursue new knowledge, have clear judgment, and use common sense in life situations.

I’m sure all of these things sound great on some level, but the reality is we cannot experience all of them cohesively and simultaneously in each’s entirety. Let’s assume we have to give up 11 of these values. With the remaining 5, rank them in order of preference.

Now, look over YOUR top 5 and give thought to whether you are channeling all your resources (time, energy, finances, etc.) into these areas. You may find that your resources are going directly where you desire for them to go. Fantastic! However, many of us find that we’ve gotten a bit askew in our actual lived priorities versus the listed prioritized values. Maybe it’s time for significant overhaul, or maybe it’s simply time for a little bit of tweaking. Either way, what better time than now?

A professional counselor or life coach can be of great help in completing this task!
Let me know if I can be of help.
Regards, Dana

<Disclaimer: Content of this blog is for information purposes only and not intended as therapy or medical advice.>

Attachment Theory

Attachment Theory posits that our earliest relationships as children, with our closest caregivers, shape all future relationships and attachments with others into adulthood. As adults, we develop either insecure or secure attachment styles based upon those early interactions. As you may have guessed, a secure attachment style contributes positively to relationships, while an insecure attachment style can wreak havoc on relationships, often yielding unhealthy or limited connections with others.

The ability to develop secure attachments derives from the underlying belief that one can depend upon others in times of need; that support will be available, establishing an air of trust and bonding. This type of attachment style allows for engagement in meaningful relationships with others and emotional connectivity. This sense of security promotes a healthy give and take in relationships, expecting that others will support them and reciprocating the same in kind.

On the other end of the spectrum lie insecure attachments. An insecure attachment style generally manifests, within an adult, in either attachment anxiety or attachment avoidance. So what might this look like? Individuals with an avoidant attachment style are more likely to minimize or downplay the importance of close relationships or connections. They to be more cognitively focused than emotionally focused – more thinkers, than feelers. In addition, they may come across as distant and even cold. When confronted with potential for relationship intimacy or closeness, they tend to back away or retreat from it. There is a discomfort experienced with increased intimacy imposed by others.

Unlike those with attachment avoidance, those with attachment anxiety may appear more clingy or needy in their relationship interactions. They are generally more inclined to seek contact and support from those around them. However, their personal relationships are frequently unstable and unpredictable. They will demonstrate hypersensitivity to perceived abandonment. This intense reactivity to what they perceive as rejection by someone tends to drive others away, which only stands to further reinforce the fear of being abandoned and continued maintenance of attachment anxiety.

If you find yourself nodding in understanding because you can identify with either of the descriptions, there is certainly possibility for growth and change – if you want it – as it relates to changing your attachment style. Naturally, the first step is simply recognizing that you may fall into one of these categories or have the tendency to favor some of the identified characteristics within the examples. Knowing that you have the propensity to be avoidant or anxious when it comes to relationships with others, gives you a place to start.

Counseling can be very helpful in processing some of the history that contributes to your attachment style to give you a basis of understanding and then examining the core beliefs that currently influence your behavior in order to make necessary changes in how you view and think about connections with others. Specifically, cognitive behavioral therapy has been shown to be helpful. Whether you find the help with me or with someone else, at least consider working with someone toward giving yourself a world of possibility when it comes to having security and depth in your connections with others.

Regards,
Dana
<Disclaimer: Content of this blog is for information purposes only and not intended as therapy or medical advice>

The Power of Thought

If you’re as old as I am, you may remember the Saturday Night Live spoof called Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley, which essentially pokes fun at the use of positive affirmations. And at some time in your life when you were down in a slump, it is highly likely someone perhaps suggested for you to “just think positive!” There have been countless books about the use of positive thinking, affirmations, etc. You may have heard of author Rhonda Byrne’s popular book and documentary, The Secret, which focuses upon the law of attraction. The law of attraction, in a nutshell, proposes that we attract whatever we think about – whether good or bad. Some may say it’s just hocus pocus or something mostly yoga-practicing people meditate upon, BUT there is supportive evidence behind the power of thought.

While Stuart Smalley is good for a laugh, the reality is that the use of affirmations does do something for us. Consider this simple process: what we think, influences how we feel, and how we feel dictates how we behave. You see what I’ve done there? It’s like a continuum… thought -> feeling -> behavior. So, if we ultimately want to change our behavior, it makes sense to start with what we’re thinking on a daily basis. For example, if I wake daily and think I have no purpose in life, I’m inclined to feel depressed or sad about that, and that is going to impact my motivation to do anything productive, so I don’t bother and remain in that rut. Need another example? I conclude in my head that I cannot do anything right, as it relates to my marriage. As a result, I start to feel agitated toward my spouse. Gradually, over time, I just give up and withdraw from him or her.

What if I took those same two examples and attempted to rewire my thinking so I don’t just stay unmotivated at home or give up on my marriage? How great would that be? So, now when I wake up daily I may say to myself: “I don’t know what my purpose is but I’m making the choice to live in such a way that helps me find out what it is.” Hmm… thinking that way leans toward a feeling of optimism and hope, rather than gloom and doom. I feel like I have a chance. I have something to work toward. That optimism leads to motivation and before you know it, I’m out the door and ready to Carpe Diem.

How about our second example with the marital situation? Rather than ASSUMING I cannot do anything right, I can take pause to consider the instances in which my partner complimented my actions or times when I know I put forth effort to do some really great things for him or her (might even – God forbid – have a face to face communication with my partner and INQUIRE about what things I do that are pleasing to him or her!). From there, I’m able to conclude that I actually DO do some things right. My thought then becomes more along the lines of “I’m a good partner, and with continued effort I can get even better.” I suspect I might then be left feeling rejuvenated and driven to do better, which translates into more healthy and fruitful interactions with my spouse.

While these are two very basic examples, the underlying premise is that one can take any negative thought pattern, seek evidence to the contrary, and start going down that thought path instead. You’re accepting an alternative narrative. Nothing in life is concrete truth; rather we are all interpreting our experiences to develop our own truth or perspective. You can re-write that truth at any time. Now, this does require lots of practice. It doesn’t happen overnight. Look at it this way: it has taken you X amount of years to get into the thinking pattern you find yourself in today. Thus, it’s going to take you a while to grasp this desired shift in your thinking.

The first step is recognizing the negative thoughts that are flowing through your mind that are not FACT, so you can then examine to determine your ‘evidence to the contrary’ that supports another line of thought. Maybe you’ve convinced yourself over the years that you’re not intelligent, that you’re bad at relationships, or that you can never catch a break. You mean to tell me that 100% of the time these things have been fully accurate? Is there any evidence to the contrary? It may take you some time, but I guarantee it’s there.

Consistent application of repeated affirmations, over time, rewire our brain and raise the level of feel-good hormones. Notice the emphasis on consistent and repeated. Daily practice is key, so be consistent in your efforts; hone in on what you’re repeating to yourself regularly and determine if you need to be repeating something that’s more helpful and supportive. Make it a habit to start and end your day with some healthy thoughts geared toward your goals.

Daily affirmation examples:

I have the power to control my reactions to the challenges I will face.
I can change my life.
I possess the wisdom, the power, the motivation, the inspiration and the passion to accomplish anything and everything I choose.
I am worthy of love.
My relationship with _______ is capable of growth and improvement.
There is value in my role as a son/daughter/wife/husband/friend/employee/etc.
All of the resources I need are within me.
I am whole, complete and perfect just as I am, right where I am at.
Peace starts with me.
Today my world is changing for the better. I open my awareness to my shifting reality.

The mind is such a powerful thing. It’s time to purify those toxic thoughts!
– Regards, Dana

Ready, set, go!

Welcome to my blog. I’d like to start by giving a glimpse into what you will find here as we go forward together. As a therapist and holistic life coach, I find myself mulling over so many thoughts in a given day, continually seeking knowledge, and routinely getting asked a wide range of questions on a multitude of topics both in session and out.

I’d like to create a place where we can examine some of those thoughts and topics to achieve a few things. For some, it may be new-found perspective. Others may find validation. Additionally, some may find comfort from having an open forum for further questioning in the hopes of gaining increased insight. I’d like to provide some general psycho-social education, inspiring tidbits of wisdom/ quotes/ affirmations, and touch upon some current trends of discussion in our world today as it relates to our overall health and wellness.

If you have a particular topic or concept you would like me to discuss, please feel free to contact me directly on any of links provided (Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, email) on this site. Please keep in mind, none of the aforementioned means are entirely secure. Thus, confidentiality cannot be guaranteed. If your inquiry is addressed on the blog, however, there will be no identifying information provided indicating who may have inspired the post.

I’m looking forward to exploring our world together. One of the perks of being a therapist and holistic life coach are the many things I learn from YOU, so please comment and share. Now, as it goes with all things in life, there are rules. The rules of the road here are quite simple. 1) No question is a dumb question – just ask!, 2) Be respectful of those commenting – sometimes “agree to disagree” and “to each his own” may be the best final response, and 3) Blog does not equal counseling – so be mindful of putting anything out there you would not want others to read. Let’s get going!

Regards,
Dana

Disclaimer: Content of this blog is for information purposes only and not intended as therapy or medical advice.