Relationships

Not a lot of things are 100% true, but here are two known facts: 1) Life is not fair, and 2) People do not act right. Undoubtedly, there are going to be times in life where we feel immensely disappointed by the cards we are dealt and/or by those around us. Disappointment WILL happen. We WILL be let down in life. Sometimes we might feel and experience this overwhelmingly – perhaps, what feels like over and over again, and in turn, we begin to focus heartily upon these events. We cannot see the forest for the trees, and we begin to believe all life has to offer us is frustrating experiences and people who are out to harm us. In these instances, we have opportunity to respond. Unfortunately, sometimes in these instances our response is to take on the role of victim and adopt a victim mindset.

A state of victimhood feels like helplessness, hopelessness, and powerlessness. Everything is doom and gloom. We believe it. We manifest it. We make it true. We say, “Look at what you did to me!” We blame others for situations and outcomes. We blame others for how we feel. We blame others for how we behave.

Why might we do this? It’s simple. There’s a payoff. When we take on the role of victim, we no longer have to take responsibility. If it’s not our fault, we don’t have to change. Why? Because someone ELSE needs to change! We garner attention from those around us during our pity parties and find comfort in this familiar place. We are often rewarded with concern that provides us a sense of justification, validation, and power. Some people emotionally tend to us when we’re in this state of existence, and that feels good when we’re down!

Despite these payoffs, there are also costs involved. What is the role of victimhood costing us? The costs of victimhood are heavy. It can lead to depression and even suicide. It can involve allowing ourselves to become stuck and no longer taking risks to move forward in life. We might become co-dependent and avoid getting better. We are no longer empowering ourselves! And while we might find people initially come and tend to us, offering compassion, when we routinely take on the role of victim, people eventually begin avoiding us. In their eyes, we’ve become the Debbie Downer… the Bitter Bob. Most people can only tolerate this type of company for so long. Then guess what happens? As people depart from us, it only serves to reinforce the ‘woe is me’ feeling and victim role: “Everyone leaves me!”

Within our life experiences, we develop an interpretation. This is our, often internalized, story we make up in our heads about what has happened, why it happened, etc. We begin to view our experiences through these filters. Unfortunately, these filters are often not objective and factual. Remember, it’s our interpretation! It takes a level of consciousness to first recognize when this is happening, and then to not attach ourselves to the story. How do we know when this is happening? An example would be when we respond with a knee-jerk reaction to a situation or person. That knee-jerk reaction is us responding based upon all our life events we’ve been through up until that moment. Is our knee-jerk reaction to victimize ourselves and look for blame elsewhere?

If you find yourself relating to this blog post, it might be time to get honest with yourself. Is this you? Now what?! Consider these 4 steps:

Recognize the payoff and cost. What are YOUR payoffs? It can vary from person to person. How is this role serving you? What do you get to avoid by taking on this role? Also, what are the negative consequences? What is it costing you? Healthy relationships? Advancing in your career? Going to that support group?
Live a life of consciousness. When you’re feeling triggered by something and finding yourself feeling like a victim, ask yourself some questions. What am I thinking about this situation or person? Is it completely accurate? Is it absolute fact? Remember, it is our interpretation, or thoughts, that lead to our feeling – not the person or situation, itself! Do not internalize!
Count your blessings daily. It is incredibly hard to remain within a victim mindset when you are focusing on your blessings. What is going right or well for you? Create a daily gratitude list where you identify three things that are good or positive. Some examples: I have a cozy home; I got the kids to school on time today; I have a job; I opted for the healthier choice at lunchtime; My car started; My neighbor greeted me. Need help getting started? Try the free app: Secret of Happiness.
Accept that life is not fair, and people do not act right. Be flexible. Don’t expect perfection. Learn to forgive. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Know that people will show you who they are, and when they do… accept it! (Do not confuse acceptance with tolerance 😊). Try this mantra on for size: “He/She is showing me who they are, and I accept it and know it has nothing to do with me.”

Regards,
Dana

Within the context of intimate relationships, couples tend to turn to one another for fulfillment. While needs can also be met independently from within, via employment settings, through friends, family, etc., when in a partnership, couples tend to turn inward and place these needs and expectations upon one another primarily. There are a multitude of needs, and these can vary from person to person. However, the top 10 general needs tend to be as follows:

Honesty and openness – having someone in your life with whom you can express yourself while they are receptive and truthful with you in feedback, even if it challenges you.
Recreation & leisure companionship – having someone who enjoys getting out of the house with you, engaging in common hobbies and sources of fun and relaxation.
Affection – having someone who provides you with physical touch and contact, not necessarily sexual.
Sexual fulfillment – having someone who addresses the physical intimacy and sexual needs you have.
Physical attractiveness – having a partner who finds you attractive and desires you.
Conversation – having someone with whom you can share about your day, as well as deepest thoughts.
Admiration – having someone who values and appreciates who you are, your accomplishments, etc.
Family commitment – having someone who integrates their own family with you and creates an environment supportive of developing and growing your own family together.
Household help – having someone who shares the responsibilities with you in running a household and creating a sense of home.
Financial support – having someone who contributes to collective financial goals and provides support in the day to day monetary obligations.

At varying times, how the above list is prioritized for each individual in a relationship will change. What one finds most critical in the beginning of a relationship might move further down the list as time goes by, and this is to be expected as a relationship evolves. Regardless of how one prioritizes, it is most relevant to ensure that those in the relationship know what their partner is needing or seeking most as time passes. Communicating this allows for one’s partner to know where to focus their energies.

As you look over the list, think about your current relationship. While all 10 may feel very important, what if you had to prioritize? Narrow it down to a top three that you find to be of the greatest need for you right now in this moment. Why do you need these particular three? How would having these three emotional needs fulfilled benefit you? Benefit your relationship?

With your partner, sit down with this list. Each of you identify your top three emotional needs and communicate why you’ve chosen these three. Next, give thought to at least 3 ways you and your partner can attempt to meet or address these identified needs over the next week. Communicate these ideas with one another and come to an agreement. Commit only to things you know you will do, but don’t be afraid of change and trying something new. Give this a go for the next week!

Regards,
Dana

<Disclaimer: Content of this blog is for information purposes only and not intended as therapy or medical advice>