Tag: Living Our Values

Get out of the Victim Mindset in 4 Steps

Not a lot of things are 100% true, but here are two known facts: 1) Life is not fair, and 2) People do not act right. Undoubtedly, there are going to be times in life where we feel immensely disappointed by the cards we are dealt and/or by those around us. Disappointment WILL happen. We WILL be let down in life. Sometimes we might feel and experience this overwhelmingly – perhaps, what feels like over and over again, and in turn, we begin to focus heartily upon these events. We cannot see the forest for the trees, and we begin to believe all life has to offer us is frustrating experiences and people who are out to harm us. In these instances, we have opportunity to respond. Unfortunately, sometimes in these instances our response is to take on the role of victim and adopt a victim mindset.

A state of victimhood feels like helplessness, hopelessness, and powerlessness. Everything is doom and gloom. We believe it. We manifest it. We make it true. We say, “Look at what you did to me!” We blame others for situations and outcomes. We blame others for how we feel. We blame others for how we behave.

Why might we do this? It’s simple. There’s a payoff. When we take on the role of victim, we no longer have to take responsibility. If it’s not our fault, we don’t have to change. Why? Because someone ELSE needs to change! We garner attention from those around us during our pity parties and find comfort in this familiar place. We are often rewarded with concern that provides us a sense of justification, validation, and power. Some people emotionally tend to us when we’re in this state of existence, and that feels good when we’re down!

Despite these payoffs, there are also costs involved. What is the role of victimhood costing us? The costs of victimhood are heavy. It can lead to depression and even suicide. It can involve allowing ourselves to become stuck and no longer taking risks to move forward in life. We might become co-dependent and avoid getting better. We are no longer empowering ourselves! And while we might find people initially come and tend to us, offering compassion, when we routinely take on the role of victim, people eventually begin avoiding us. In their eyes, we’ve become the Debbie Downer… the Bitter Bob. Most people can only tolerate this type of company for so long. Then guess what happens? As people depart from us, it only serves to reinforce the ‘woe is me’ feeling and victim role: “Everyone leaves me!”

Within our life experiences, we develop an interpretation. This is our, often internalized, story we make up in our heads about what has happened, why it happened, etc. We begin to view our experiences through these filters. Unfortunately, these filters are often not objective and factual. Remember, it’s our interpretation! It takes a level of consciousness to first recognize when this is happening, and then to not attach ourselves to the story. How do we know when this is happening? An example would be when we respond with a knee-jerk reaction to a situation or person. That knee-jerk reaction is us responding based upon all our life events we’ve been through up until that moment. Is our knee-jerk reaction to victimize ourselves and look for blame elsewhere?

If you find yourself relating to this blog post, it might be time to get honest with yourself. Is this you? Now what?! Consider these 4 steps:

Recognize the payoff and cost. What are YOUR payoffs? It can vary from person to person. How is this role serving you? What do you get to avoid by taking on this role? Also, what are the negative consequences? What is it costing you? Healthy relationships? Advancing in your career? Going to that support group?
Live a life of consciousness. When you’re feeling triggered by something and finding yourself feeling like a victim, ask yourself some questions. What am I thinking about this situation or person? Is it completely accurate? Is it absolute fact? Remember, it is our interpretation, or thoughts, that lead to our feeling – not the person or situation, itself! Do not internalize!
Count your blessings daily. It is incredibly hard to remain within a victim mindset when you are focusing on your blessings. What is going right or well for you? Create a daily gratitude list where you identify three things that are good or positive. Some examples: I have a cozy home; I got the kids to school on time today; I have a job; I opted for the healthier choice at lunchtime; My car started; My neighbor greeted me. Need help getting started? Try the free app: Secret of Happiness.
Accept that life is not fair, and people do not act right. Be flexible. Don’t expect perfection. Learn to forgive. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Know that people will show you who they are, and when they do… accept it! (Do not confuse acceptance with tolerance 😊). Try this mantra on for size: “He/She is showing me who they are, and I accept it and know it has nothing to do with me.”

Regards,
Dana

Lifestyle Medicine in 5 Daily Doses

Lifestyle medicine is not intended to replace traditional medicine, but it represents a concept about how we live that is intended to be of best benefit to our minds and bodies. Most of us aim to be healthy in one way or another, and lifestyle medicine brings to focus some specific aspects about the way we live that are indicated to help propel us to existing at our very best, both physically and mentally. These recommended five basic daily lifestyle patterns are heavily backed by research, as well.

Dose 1: Eliminate tobacco, street drugs, and/or misuse of prescription medications.
Dose 2: Consume a predominantly Mediterranean diet; eliminate GMO.
Dose 3: Be physically active – at least 30 minutes a day.
Dose 4: Learn new things; exercise your mind in different ways.
Dose 5: Maintain a healthy and supportive social network (face to face interactions are best!).

Evidence suggests it takes, on the average, around 45 days to establish a new habit. This means, for many of us, days 1 through 44 are spent very consciously making the choice to do or not do something until eventually it becomes second nature or habit. So maybe you are already on board with some of the recommended dosages above, but there are some that are going to require active effort. Know that if you dedicate and commit yourself to making things happen daily, it will eventually become a habit that is ingrained. You will reap the benefits and want to keep going!

Something else to keep in mind… we are more likely to achieve changes that we speak into the universe. Speak your desired changes aloud. Tell people of your goals and intended outcomes. Develop and meditate upon a vision board that depicts your desired changes. Engage in positive self-talk. Tell yourself you CAN achieve the things you desire. Change your thoughts, and you change your life!

Regards,
Dana

Challenge Depression by Nurturing Yourself

For those who live with depression, it can be difficult and at times even feel impossible to function. You know the dark, down days will come, and when they hit, the weight is like a ton of bricks. It can become incredibly hard to think and concentrate. Your appetite may leave you. Your sleep patterns may go awry. Your energy likely subsides and your motivation disappears. Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and/or worthlessness abound.

When you’re amidst this state, it is hard to recall the good days. But they were there. Nurture yourself during these times. Feed your soul with the things you enjoy. Maybe that’s watching movies, listening to music, going for a walk, wrapping up in a soft blanket, eating chocolate, soaking in a warm bath… You decide. It helps, when you’re not in a depressed state, to make a list of these very things: your go-to coping skills. You’ll thank yourself later. Be compassionate with yourself, and know this will pass. It is a process. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel.

Keep a notebook that is full of things that inspire you: poems, encouraging quotes, pictures, etc., and reflect upon it. Have a supporter you can trust and depend upon to call in times of need; someone who is willing to even just be present with you. Pick someone positive and uplifting. Have pre-made freezer meals on hand for the days you lack the motivation to tend to cooking for yourself. Engage in a healthy daily practice of activities when you ARE feeling well, so these things remain habit when you’re feeling depressed. Maybe it’s daily yoga, walking, juicing, reading, meditation, prayer, or aromatherapy. If you’re not doing good and healthy things for yourself when you’re feeling well, you most assuredly won’t be doing them when you’re feeling depressed.

None of the aforementioned supportive tactics will take away the depressed mood entirely, but they can alleviate some of the depressive symptoms, even if just briefly. Think of the depression like a weight you carry. Even if only setting aside the weight briefly, you’ll still experience some relief. And every little bit helps.

If you are not already under the care of a physician and/or therapist for the treatment of your depression, I encourage you to take that step. Your mental health is just as valuable as your physical health.

Regards,
Dana

<Disclaimer: Content of this blog is for information purposes only and not intended as therapy or medical advice>

Living Our Values

As we progress through life, we value different things at different times; ever evolving creatures. It is wise, from time to time, to reevaluate these values to ensure we are investing our time, energy, and finances into what we feel is most important at this time in our lives. This is a pretty important step in achieving a sense of fulfillment and overall contentment. When we are not consistently living in accordance with our identified values, we often experience a sense of distress or frustration.

So what’s the easiest way to go about reassessing your values so you can chiefly identify where you want your resources to go? Let’s take a look…

In a nutshell, there are 16 key values people generally say they want to experience at some point or another in their lives:

Achievement – accomplish something important in life; be involved in significant activities; succeed at what I’m doing.
Adventure – experience variety and excitement; respond to challenging opportunities.
Aesthetics – appreciate and enjoy beauty for beauty’s sake; be artistically creative.
Authority/ Power – be a key decision-maker, directing priorities, activities of others, and/or use of resources.
Autonomy – be independent, have freedom, live where I want to be and do what I want to do.
Generosity – give time and/or money to benefit others; express gratitude for blessings in life.
Health – be physically, mentally, and emotionally well; feel energetic and have a sense of well-being.
Integrity – be honest and straightforward, just and fair.
Intimacy/Friendship/Love – have close personal relationships, experience affection, share life with family and friends.
Pleasure – experience enjoyment and personal satisfaction from my activities.
Recognition – be seen as successful; receive acknowledgement for achievements.
Security – feel stable and comfortable with few changes or anxieties in my life.
Service – contribute to the quality of other people’s lives and help to improve society or the world.
Spiritual Growth – have communication or harmony with the infinite source of life.
Wealth – acquire an abundance of money or material possessions; be financially rich.
Wisdom – have insight, pursue new knowledge, have clear judgment, and use common sense in life situations.

I’m sure all of these things sound great on some level, but the reality is we cannot experience all of them cohesively and simultaneously in each’s entirety. Let’s assume we have to give up 11 of these values. With the remaining 5, rank them in order of preference.

Now, look over YOUR top 5 and give thought to whether you are channeling all your resources (time, energy, finances, etc.) into these areas. You may find that your resources are going directly where you desire for them to go. Fantastic! However, many of us find that we’ve gotten a bit askew in our actual lived priorities versus the listed prioritized values. Maybe it’s time for significant overhaul, or maybe it’s simply time for a little bit of tweaking. Either way, what better time than now?